In none of these encounters did a penis go in my butt - and they were all fun.įetishizing trans men is problematic for the same reason that fetishizing black men and HIV-positive men are problematic. Sex is a miles-long buffet table - why choose only one thing?Ī majority of my experiences with trans men have been dominant-submissive with me as the sub. Thankfully there is massage, rubbing, mutual masturbation, rimming, licking, fingering, and literally endless non-penetrative kinky sex acts you can do. I'm not a big fan of oral sex, and could happily cut it from my repertoire without much concern. Some people have health conditions that keep them from enjoying anal sex - others simply don't enjoy it. But the fact is, anal sex is just one kind of sex, and there are a variety of reasons why one might not find it fun. As a result, sides often feel embarrassed, ashamed, or left out. Gay cis men tend to focus on anal sex as the base requirement of sex - many do not consider other sex acts, like oral sex, to be "sex" at all. A couple years ago, The Huffington Post ran a piece by sexpert Joe Kort on gay "sides" - gay men who enjoy sex but do not, for various reasons, like anal penetration. You know the three common sex roles - top, bottom, and versatile - that everyone (not just cis gay men) can be grouped into. Every 'they' and 'them,' even for people whose gender identity you think is obvious, is a small, vital step in a better direction - one that carves space for genderqueer and nonbinary people. Using gender-neutral pronouns, at least until someone's pronouns are confirmed, is not hard and is something you can do every day. Doing so is not only respectful of a person's pronouns you don't know - it's also one small step in a massive social movement to challenge binarism and take down archaic notions of gender. Before you have a chance to do so, get comfortable with 'they' and 'them.' If you're referencing someone whose pronouns you don't know - even if they're not present - get comfortable using gender-neutral pronouns like these.ĭoing so might feel awkward at first, but after you get into the practice it will get easier.
The memories still fill me with shame and embarrassment. I still remember the few times I slipped up and wrongly assumed a trans person's pronouns. Always ask for a person's preferred pronouns at the beginning of conversations. Here are some of them.Įditor's note: For consistency, he/him/his are used to reference trans men in this article. Other sexy trans men came later - casual hookups and kinky playmates - who taught me some of my most important lessons about being queer. Dae has become a remarkably handsome man, and in many ways, he was my first sign that others were out there - back when I simply knew I was "other" and that was all I had. While our journeys are different, we both more or less found the things we needed - the right words to call ourselves, the chosen families we belonged in - at the same time. Dae found his truth, came out as transgender and found his queer family in a city not far from there. A few years later, I learned that she transitioned. I know she had to be tough - ours was a private Christian school with 200 students, and she was out. In high school, the only person I knew who was like me was a punk - a mean lesbian with spike collars and pink hair. The most interesting places I've lived - Zambia, South Africa, London - happened during that time, and those experiences were wasted on someone with no cognizance, no words yet. Why would I? That wasn't me - not really. I barely count those eighteen years as part of life. Before I went to college, I was closeted.